Hobby etiquette. Where has it gone?

parkplace33 · #1 10-29-2025, 11:16 AM

I rarely see people helping each other out. Those stories are far and few between.

I have a "friend" that I have had dealings with for over 20 years. He had a very unique card that he knew I would like to buy. I asked him over the years to just let me know when it would come up for sale so I can first crack. Well, earlier this year, it came to auction in a major auction house. When I asked him about it, he stated "Well, I didn't want to squeeze you on price, so I just sent it to the auction house to sell". Sigh, no, you wanted to maximize all the profit and not give me the opportunity to buy.

Johnny630 · #2 10-29-2025, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

I rarely see people helping each other out. Those stories are far and few between.

I have a "friend" that I have had dealings with for over 20 years. He had a very unique card that he knew I would like to buy. I asked him over the years to just let me know when it would come up for sale so I can first crack. Well, earlier this year, it came to auction in a major auction house. When I asked him about it, he stated "Well, I didn't want to squeeze you on price, so I just sent it to the auction house to sell". Sigh, no, you wanted to maximize all the profit and not give me the opportunity to buy.

That's sad....people have every right to maximize their profits but it hurts when you asked about having the first crack if he decided to sell. Did he at least tell you he when and where he put it up for auction?

parkplace33 · #3 10-29-2025, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnny630

That's sad....people have every right to maximize their profits but it hurts when you asked about having the first crack if he decided to sell. Did he at least tell you he when and where he put it up for auction?

Johnny, crickets. Par for the course I guess.

It is his card and he can do what he pleases, I just thought he would give me the courtesy. Lesson learned.

NiceDocter · #4 10-29-2025, 01:33 PM

Just wondering�.. did you bid on the card at auction? If so, were you the high bidder? I ask because if his final sale price was way higher than what you would have paid ( like double or triple) maybe he just didn�t want to make you angry with too high an ask�� although I do not like the way he handled it. I have a pretty rare card that a member asked me about 3 years ago�.. I�m in the process of making a deal with him now directly rather than selling it elsewhere because I know he really wants the card to complete a set and helping each other out is a big part of the fun of this hobby. I�m hoping that will be my legacy when it�s time for my final curtain call.

Eric72 · #5 10-29-2025, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

Johnny, crickets. Par for the course I guess.

It is his card and he can do what he pleases, I just thought he would give me the courtesy. Lesson learned.

Sorry to hear they didn't even ask. I can imagine a scenario in which both of the following take place:

The seller gets less (after fees) than you would have paid
The hammer plus BP is higher than you were willing to pay

parkplace33 · #6 10-29-2025, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric72

Sorry to hear they didn't even ask. I can imagine a scenario in which both of the following take place:

The seller gets less (after fees) than you would have paid
The hammer plus BP is higher than you were willing to pay

Bottom line, he thought the ah was the way to get the most. Friends be damned.

It is just a really sour time in the hobby.

timn1 · #7 10-31-2025, 12:31 PM

This one seems a little ambiguous to me - you say you asked him to let you know, but did he ever actually agree to do that? From the seller's perspective, he may have felt pressured to give you a better deal than market price, and didn't want to do that, which I can sort of understand- unless there was an understanding between you--

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

I rarely see people helping each other out. Those stories are far and few between.

I have a "friend" that I have had dealings with for over 20 years. He had a very unique card that he knew I would like to buy. I asked him over the years to just let me know when it would come up for sale so I can first crack. Well, earlier this year, it came to auction in a major auction house. When I asked him about it, he stated "Well, I didn't want to squeeze you on price, so I just sent it to the auction house to sell". Sigh, no, you wanted to maximize all the profit and not give me the opportunity to buy.

parkplace33 · #8 11-03-2025, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by timn1

This one seems a little ambiguous to me - you say you asked him to let you know, but did he ever actually agree to do that? From the seller's perspective, he may have felt pressured to give you a better deal than market price, and didn't want to do that, which I can sort of understand- unless there was an understanding between you--

He said he would. Then he didn't.

parkplace33 · #9 11-03-2025, 01:11 PM

I am kind of taken aback by the last 2 responses to me.

If someone had a card you really wanted, you were friends, and you told them that wanted first crack at it, and then they sent it to an auction house and you found out later about, you are just supposed to be fine with it? I disagree 100 percent.

CardPadre · #10 11-03-2025, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

I am kind of taken aback by the last 2 responses to me.

If someone had a card you really wanted, you were friends, and you told them that wanted first crack at it, and then they sent it to an auction house and you found out later about, you are just supposed to be fine with it? I disagree 100 percent.

It would be very disappointing, of course. It definitely would have been courteous to let you know it would be available at auction, but I think you are discounting what an uncomfortable situation it seems it was to him. Having a card that's rare and presumably hard to value, a friend transaction probably didn't seem like a fun/fair undertaking. And I'm sure the term 'friend' here is used in a more casual hobby chums way than some kind of deeply cultivated relationship.

Mark17 · #11 11-03-2025, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CardPadre

It would be very disappointing, of course. It definitely would have been courteous to let you know it would be available at auction, but I think you are discounting what an uncomfortable situation it seems it was to him. Having a card that's rare and presumably hard to value, a friend transaction probably didn't seem like a fun/fair undertaking. And I'm sure the term 'friend' here is used in a more casual hobby chums way than some kind of deeply cultivated relationship.

I agree. A selling situation is, by definition, adversarial. The seller, naturally, wants the sale price to be the highest number possible, and the buyer, naturally, wants the price to be as low as possible. I've been involved with many such negotiations, and it is very easy for the situation to become testy. The seller values his item and wants to feel good about making a nice sale, and the buyer starts to point out flaws that should bring the number lower.

The OP may have lost out on a card, but, depending how he ultimately chooses to look at it and how he chooses to react, he may have saved a friendship.

Eric72 · #12 11-03-2025, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark17

I agree. A selling situation is, by definition, adversarial. The seller, naturally, wants the sale price to be the highest number possible, and the buyer, naturally, wants the price to be as low as possible. I've been involved with many such negotiations, and it is very easy for the situation to become testy. The seller values his item and wants to feel good about making a nice sale, and the buyer starts to point out flaws that should bring the number lower.

The OP may have lost out on a card, but, depending how he ultimately chooses to look at it and how he chooses to react, he may have saved a friendship.

Bear in mind, that "friend" never even let him know the card was up for auction. The OP didn't find out until after it had sold.

JollyElm · #13 11-03-2025, 03:37 PM

Some citrus logic:
In reality, every collector and every seller lives off 'the squeeze' to obtain or offload cards at the right price.
That squeeze becomes more of a bitter lemon when it's a friend or acquaintance on the other side of the deal.

raulus · #14 11-03-2025, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark17

I agree. A selling situation is, by definition, adversarial. The seller, naturally, wants the sale price to be the highest number possible, and the buyer, naturally, wants the price to be as low as possible. I've been involved with many such negotiations, and it is very easy for the situation to become testy. The seller values his item and wants to feel good about making a nice sale, and the buyer starts to point out flaws that should bring the number lower.

The OP may have lost out on a card, but, depending how he ultimately chooses to look at it and how he chooses to react, he may have saved a friendship.

I can definitely appreciate that it’s not a simple situation. At the same time, with a decent relationship and two sides willing to be adults, it doesn’t have to be all that challenging. I’ve certainly done a number of deals and also passed on a number of deals with friends with very similar facts.

Usually the friend tells me how much they need for their piece, at which point either I pass, take the offer, or counter. If it’s something that I really want, then usually I’m willing to pay just about any price, at least within reason. But maybe that’s what helps with my situation. Often I’m willing to pay a lot for my grails, so it’s less likely to result in tension with my friend as the seller. And if I’m not willing to pay the asking price, then we’re adult enough to stay friends even if the deal on the table didn’t work out.

And I can appreciate that it doesn’t always work out so neatly. But I can virtually guarantee that if my friend sent the piece to auction, he would tell me about it, if for no other reason than wanting me to aggressively bid on it to help maximize the final auction price.

OhioLawyerF5 · #15 11-04-2025, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

I am kind of taken aback by the last 2 responses to me.

If someone had a card you really wanted, you were friends, and you told them that wanted first crack at it, and then they sent it to an auction house and you found out later about, you are just supposed to be fine with it? I disagree 100 percent.

I am slow to take offense with friends. If I didn't trust their character, they wouldn't be my friend. So I give them the benefit of the doubt, and accept their judgment in handling a situation as reasonable, even if I don't know or understand all the reasons. That's what friends do. Letting it bother you, even all this time later, is NOT what friends do. The fact of the matter is, they may have had valid reasons for doing it this way, they may have had reasons you don't consider valid, or they may have simply forgotten. In any of these situations, being upset with your friend, and even holding onto it after the fact, are just as poor of behavior as the slight you believe you have received.

Seven · #16 11-04-2025, 09:30 AM

To chime in regarding a somewhat similar situation.

A few years ago, on this board actually I was in search for a 1952 Berk Ross Mickey Mantle. Charlietheexterminator reached out to me offering me the card, raw. It presented beautifully but possessed a mark on the back. Charlie offered me the card at a reasonable price, raw, but also stated that If I didn't want it, there would be no hard feelings and he would get the card graded and then sell it himself.

I obviously took the deal. The front presents beautifully, it remains in my collection to this day as Charlie sold it to me. He didn't have to be that transparent, he didn't have to outline an entire scenario. Hell he was willing to meet closer to me here in NY to hand me the card in person.

There's plenty of goodness in this hobby. I'm sorry about the bad experience but in most cases, people are honest and upstanding. It just doesn't get spoken of enough.

premiercardcollectors · #17 11-05-2025, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seven

To chime in regarding a somewhat similar situation.

A few years ago, on this board actually I was in search for a 1952 Berk Ross Mickey Mantle. Charlietheexterminator reached out to me offering me the card, raw. It presented beautifully but possessed a mark on the back. Charlie offered me the card at a reasonable price, raw, but also stated that If I didn't want it, there would be no hard feelings and he would get the card graded and then sell it himself.

I obviously took the deal. The front presents beautifully, it remains in my collection to this day as Charlie sold it to me. He didn't have to be that transparent, he didn't have to outline an entire scenario. Hell he was willing to meet closer to me here in NY to hand me the card in person.

There's plenty of goodness in this hobby. I'm sorry about the bad experience but in most cases, people are honest and upstanding. It just doesn't get spoken of enough.

Chuck is awesome

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

parkplace33 · #18 11-05-2025, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhioLawyerF5

I am slow to take offense with friends. If I didn't trust their character, they wouldn't be my friend. So I give them the benefit of the doubt, and accept their judgment in handling a situation as reasonable, even if I don't know or understand all the reasons. That's what friends do. Letting it bother you, even all this time later, is NOT what friends do. The fact of the matter is, they may have had valid reasons for doing it this way, they may have had reasons you don't consider valid, or they may have simply forgotten. In any of these situations, being upset with your friend, and even holding onto it after the fact, are just as poor of behavior as the slight you believe you have received.

Disagree. But hey, it seems everyone on this board is fine with it. Money trumps all.

OhioLawyerF5 · #19 11-06-2025, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

Disagree. But hey, it seems everyone on this board is fine with it. Money trumps all.

If you disagree with anything in that post, YOU are the problem in the relationship. Everything I said was about being a decent human being and longsuffering and compassionate with people you care about. Those are not things to disagree with.

It has nothing to do with money.....except for YOU apparently. If it was about the relationship, you would be reacting differently. It's all about material goods for you. That much is clear.

CardPadre · #20 11-03-2025, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parkplace33

I rarely see people helping each other out. Those stories are far and few between.

I have a "friend" that I have had dealings with for over 20 years. He had a very unique card that he knew I would like to buy. I asked him over the years to just let me know when it would come up for sale so I can first crack. Well, earlier this year, it came to auction in a major auction house. When I asked him about it, he stated "Well, I didn't want to squeeze you on price, so I just sent it to the auction house to sell". Sigh, no, you wanted to maximize all the profit and not give me the opportunity to buy.

So you did have the opportunity to buy...at auction. Can we all assume you own this unique card now? If not, sounds like you wanted to squeeze your "friend" for a deal more than you wanted that card.

Did you ever make him a concrete offer? You certainly should have so he could have some idea of where you were at. Again, if not, sounds like he could sense what kind of squeeze you were going to try and put on him and decided that's not the kind of thing he enjoys negotiating. Some people don't want to engage in that kind of personal, one-on-one, way of doing a sale. Can make for unneeded stress and/or uncomfortable feelings, depending on personality type.

parkplace33 · #21 11-03-2025, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CardPadre

So you did have the opportunity to buy...at auction. Can we all assume you own this unique card now? If not, sounds like you wanted to squeeze your "friend" for a deal more than you wanted that card.

Did you ever make him a concrete offer? You certainly should have so he could have some idea of where you were at. Again, if not, sounds like he could sense what kind of squeeze you were going to try and put on him and decided that's not the kind of thing he enjoys negotiating. Some people don't want to engage in that kind of personal, one-on-one, way of doing a sale. Can make for unneeded stress and/or uncomfortable feelings, depending on personality type.

No, because I found out about the card being for sale after the auction had ended. If I had known, I would have bid on it.

Again, I couldn't make an offer on it as he wasn't willing at sell at the time. Otherwise, I would have.

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