Mastro job contest

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Posted By: Bill Cornell

The folks at Mastronet sent out an email today looking for a new employee. To quote them: "the qualified employee will need to have advanced experience in the grading of vintage card issues and be responsible for reviewing raw consignments for possible grading, writing and cataloging auction lots."

Since there are dozens of deserving candidates here, I thought we'd run a little contest for hopefuls. Here are the rules:

• Employ the best Mastro-speak you can summon up without actually quoting previous descriptions.
  
• 100 words or so, only.
  
• You must describe the unusual item below (an HM Taylor Hughie Jennings postcard).
  
• Hyperbole is encouraged.
  

The winner may get one of those standard "thanks, but we've found another qualified candidate" letters or more likely, nothing.

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Posted By: Judge Dred

The job offered would be a dream job. Could you imagine being able to handle that material?

First off, I'd never qualify because the job description calls for the qualified employee to have advanced experience in the grading of vintage card issues. To be quite honest I think I can hold my own in grading but I don't have the "experience" because I've never graded for a reputable grading service in the past.

Second off, I couldn't imagine being responsible for reviewing raw consignments for possible grading, writing and cataloging auction lots because some of the material might never leave my office after it "never arrived."

Wow, that would be a dream job. I'd almost consider doing it for free.

Bill, the item description written below is in jest. It's not meant to offend you by demeaning or belittling this thread (which you have started). I will understand if you happen to delete it. This is just my way of trying to bring some humor to this board regarding a subject that has been recently and frequently posted about.


ITEM DESCRIPTION LOT: 4377

Scarce Hughie Jennings caricature post card distributed in 1907 by the famed Howard M. Taylor company. This unique example was postally cancelled in Detroit on October 12, 1907, the day the Cubs won the final 1907 World Series game at the Tigers famed Bennett Park. The post card was signed/initialed by TC. This item has been extensively and forensically examined by the Postally Used Authentication Service (PUAS) and the company of DUNN, UMBRECHT, MADISON and Associates (DUMASS). It has been determined that this post card was in Ty Cobb's hip pocket in his final at bat of the series, therefore it is being sold as "game used". It's not often that a game used post card becomes available to the public. Don't miss your opportunity to own a truly rare piece of baseball history.

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Posted By: Max Weder

Bill: I read your post as jest being mandated by you. I can only offer this tepid description:

More splendid than a half sheet of Gary Cooper in The Bengal Lancer, this card imports a sense of "Yee Hah" for the "Eee-Yah" erstwhile leader of the nobel beasts of the American League. A card to calm the soul of the savage beast. The travois of game-used bats suggests a much simpler time.

While Howard M. Taylor has retained copyright ("All Rights Reserved"), the art has a suggestion of an unknown work of JC Leyendecker (1874-1951) who was at this time going through his well known mid-life crisis, looking to escape from the pre-Rockwellian demands of the marketplace, and was looking to his art to create a whimsical sidebar to the approaching ravages of middle age. While we cannot confirm this provenance with certainty, and while we cannot suggest that this is the only, or indeed the best Howard M. Taylor postcard extant, we can offer that it is a card for the most discriminating of collectors.

I would thus be pleased to offer my services, but only as a grader of dust jackets for books, and only if compensated at my normal hourly rate. No contingency fee agreements (sorry Hal).

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Posted By: barrysloate

We here at Mastronet could not contain our latitudinal and longitudinal joy when this amazingly rare postcard recently crossed our desk. We can only imagine a young boy who in a fit of paroxysm yanked up a floorboard in his house and hid this little gem where it was forgotten for eighty years until on his deathbed, this now ninety year old man whispered his last words: "Check under the floorboards, I think I left a postcard there." (Mastronet admits this may not have actually happened but it could have). Now we offer you this lovely little prize featuring Hughie Jennings sitting on a pile of bats being pulled by a tiger( we are as baffled as you are as to why he is sitting on this pile of bats- does he have an ash fetish?) Nevertheless, now some lucky collector will have the chance to overpay for an item that comes up for sale maybe once every five to seven weeks. It's the stuff of dreams. M.B. $10

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Posted By: Bill Cornell

Yes, it's in jest... this is a job interview, people!

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Posted By: RayPiskadlo

Lot description:

This exquisite postcard, ingeniously produced by H.M. Taylor in 1907, depicts a humerous caricature of "Hughie" Jennings and the 1907 Tigers. An example in this superb condition is so rare to come by, but what makes this artful rendition even more special is the fact that it is the "Bat Decal Variation". No other example of this magnificent card is known to exist. A hallmark example of exquisite beauty and rarity that knows no equal! Authenticated by Mr. David Bushing, this "Bat Decal Variation" postcard would be the apex of any collection.

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Posted By: Hal Lewis

"We offer for only the most exquisite collectors this extremely rare Wee Willie Keeler game-used streak bat! We know that it may appear to the unknowing novice as a Hughie Jennings postcard, but Dave Bushing assures us that this was once a Wee Willie Keeler game-used streak bat that has since been "stabilized" by being ground up into pulp by the 1894 Orioles' equipment manager and then sold as paper to Orioles teammate Jennings, who drew the postcard himself! Where else can one purchase an A-10 example of a Jennings autograph on a Keeler game-used streak bat?!! NOTE: This item is owned and being sold by Mr. Bushing."

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Posted By: barrysloate

Poor Dave Bushing. What comes around goes around.

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Posted By: Julie

Postcard-characature of the mad manager of the Tigers, Jennings, astride a sled of bats, being pulled by an oblidging tiger-beast toward a pennant--and I believe, the only World Series Detroit won while Cobb was a member (or were there two?). Card looks clean; no one could object to being reminded in period handwriting (before kids were all taught to write identically, from which it took them a couple years to recover) that the year was 1907. MB: $100.

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Posted By: barrysloate

Julie- there were none; Cobb never won a world series.

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Posted By: PASJD

I would like to see a "before" picture of that postcard because I am sure that undisclosed "cleaning" and "stabilization" services were performed on it by an "outside conservator" All the entries so far are good but Barry seems to have a special flair for imitating "Mastrospeak" in my opinion. Reminds me of the absurd description of the "unopened" 52 Topps box a couple of auctions ago. By the way I would like the postcard for my museum and if Robert dares say anything bad about I will sue him. I also assume that GAI would grade it, there isn't much they won't grade these days.

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Posted By: ramram

This fabulous postcard, which through extensive research has been found to date between 1911 and 1915, portrays what we believe to be a baseball player sitting on what we could only assume are bats. From the "D" on the cap and the lettering on his jersey, we have determined that this player must have played for the c. 1904 Det Tigercats of the Pennsylvania Coal League. A rare find indeed as this is the only postcard that we have ever had the pleasure to hold from this rare league. The player depicted must have been larger than life as his nickname was "Hughie". This postcard has child-like scribbles on the back and also has well rounded corners. There are glue marks on the back. One large tear and two smaller ones adorn this nearly 100 year old beauty. Tire tracks cover just one small corner of the card, else, Near Mint.

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Posted By: Scott

"Without a doubt the ugliest postcard we have ever offered, featuring a stupid black and white drawing that doesn't even vaguely resemble Jennings. We are also auctioning a piece of swampland in Florida that belonged to Jennings' estate - his descendants still claim to occasionally see him riding across the swamplands in his 'bat-mobile' pulled by ghost tigers."

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Posted By: Dan Koteles

250,000 to get me talking....or I further do not apply.

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Posted By: brian p

Within the realm of collectordom we are usually forced to choose the path that our collecting journey shall undertake: that of accessibility and uncommon beauty, or one that betokens an unusual quest for that which normally eludes ones grasp. Rare is the card that has the power to entwine both normally exclusive destinations. The ease at which the artist of this 1907 HM Taylor Hugh Jennings postcard has captured, with a few surehanded penstrokes, the raw elemental nature of both 'Hughie' and his bestial consort, surpasses our ability to express, within the humble confines of our impoverished vocabulary, uncommon beauty and gracefulness. Yet this depiction also succeeds in quenching our competing desire to possess that which is not sullied by the overaching hand of commonness, for it possesses a rarity that bespeaks of the "attic find" that populates the very fiber of our collecting spirit.


I ran out of words to actually describe the condition.


Brian

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Posted By: Anonymous

These are a lot funnier when you imagine them being read by the actor who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld.

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Posted By: Ray

Brian P, that may be the funniest thing I've ever read in my life! ROTFLMAO!

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Posted By: Bill Cornell

"The discerning collector pursues bizarre obscurity and here we have the reward, at least at a small price. Renowned imbiber Hughie Jennings, the John McNamara of the deadball era, appears on this voluptuous postcard riding towards the Valkyries aboard a raft of baseball bats (Perhaps game-used? We shudder at the thought!) with his Tiger mascot leading the way. The collector's eye is led lustifully, at an angle of 32.732143-degrees, from old "Yee-Hah" past his feline friend off to the horizon where we find a magnificent white aura - no, don't look! The corners might take dear reader's eyes out! Yet where are fellow Detriot greats Cobb & Crawford, Leach & McIntyre? A perceptive look at the midsection of le tigre reveals the truth: the slightly distended bulge holds Hall Of Fame greatness and a few lesser lights, as well. Joyous Hughie has a surprise in store!"

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Posted By: Hal Lewis

I agree. His voice makes these even better!

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Posted By: barrysloate

The key to mastrospeak is to use big words incorrectly, create convoluted sentences that no one can understand, and to stray completely off the topic. But somewhere within that gobbledegook you may actually find the lot description. They may or may not need a new writer, but they desperately need an editor.

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Posted By: Gilbert Maines

Presented in this lot is a HM Taylor pictoral LOA applicable to the single wide banded Jennings game used offered in the following lot. As shown by his posture, Hughie clearly prefers the wide banded variety over the more common dual narrow banded models.

We have it on good authority that the smoothness, resiliency and fit; rather than the bandings are the reason for his preference. Notice how the length, characteristic knobbing and markings identically match the actual game used offered.

As indicated, this bat is identified as being used during the 1907 successful stretch run for the penbnant. Since this is an official game used bat, and since Mr. Jennings appeared in one game that season; this is the bat with which he delivered his key two bagger in that historic pennant drive (which the Tigers wound up winning by 1.5 games).

This LOA is manufactured in a post card format to facilitate shipping for evaluation independent of the actual bat. In our experience, this LOA is unique in approach, content and format.

MB $2600.

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Posted By: john/z28jd

If i worked for mastro i would bring a total change and add mystery to every description,with no big words and impending doom to those who read the description but dont bid.....so heres my description

You WILL bid on this "card" of Hughie Wise who played 2 games for the 1930 Tigers,this is the earliest known card of a future major leaguer showing him when he was just 18 months old.Inside the Tiger suit is Ty Cobb,which would also make this his rookie card.In the front of the Tiger suit is 41 year old Bobby Lowe who was in the final year of his career which will eventually land him in the hall of fame.Owning this unique card will not only make you better than everyone else you know but also gives you the opportunity(chance) to run on the field during Tigers games and proclaim how great you are,which is otherwise not allowed.Refusal to bid on this after reading the full description will result in being haunted by the ghost of Hughie Jennings who will yell EEY-YAH just as youre about to fall asleep every night for the rest of your life.Upon death you will become the accountant for the 1899 Cleveland Spiders team that finished with a 20-134 record and stopped playing home games during the season because no one was showing up.Isnt your sanity worth a couple hundred grand

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Posted By: Herman Kaufman

Hi, I read with interest the Mastro contest but have a question. As an inexperienced novice, without knowledge of the card industry and practices [Stabilizing, the skills possessed by conservators, etc.], I hope that forum members can answer this question: Does the candidate for the Mastro employment position need to possess the ability and knowhow pertaining to removing creases from cards in plastic cases, placed underneath the legs of heavy furniture, including tables, beds, chairs, and the like; is this essential for meeting the requirements of the job position? By the way, many of you should take the opportunity to visit the Mastro residence, with all its beautiful furnishings, etc. This can really be an uplifting experience.

My best regards; I look forward to hearing from the forum members.

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Posted By: john/z28jd

I agree with Herman,everything should be repeated till people either truly understand what they are bidding on or just bid to shut up the person describing it.Ingenious!


Of course once Bill erases 2 of Hermans posts then this post wont make sense either

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Posted By: Brian H (misunderestimated)

In addition to "Mr. Peterman" I would propose the following candidates for the voice used to deliver the description for our fake MastroNet item:

Michael Douglas (His voice as Fitzgerald wrote about Daisy Buchanon "full of money" -- see: LEXUS ads; "Gordon Gecko")

"God" (the now deceased voice of the old NFL films who made "the frozen tundra of Lambeau field" sound positively biblical)

James Earl Jones (Darth Vader/"CNN")

Robin Leach (the old host of "Lives of the Rich and Famous")

Donald Trump (no explanation needed)

Conversely, I admit the voices I hear sometimes in reading especially overwrought over-the-top item descriptions (especially some on Ebay) are those of the sardonic John Stewart ("The Daily Show") or even the legendary "Mr. Hainey" (from "Green Acres")....

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Posted By: runscott

because of the seriousness of my description, I would prefer that it be read by Walter Cronkite.

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Posted By: jay behrens

I like the voice of Ferris Buehler's teacher and spolesman for Clear Eyes. Nothing like a drab monotone to bring to life thos oververbose descriptions.

Jay

Wow upside down is Mom. Mom upside down is what dad wants to see.

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Posted By: Ray

Keith Jackson would be great!

Don West from HSN/Shop-At-Home! He described those cards with more energy and adjectives than anyone I've ever heard!

Hal Douglas, the famous voice-over movie preview guy would be another one!

Here's a website that has an audioclip of his voice (just click on "audio clip" once you get there):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hal_Douglas

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Posted By: warshawlaw

Throughout the ages, man has quested after beautiful and rare things. Whether it is women, money or drugs, the soul of a man cannot be truly fulfilled unless he has obtained more than his friends and neighbors. We at Mastronet aspire to fulfill the deepest needs of our clientele; after all, greed, for lack of a better word, is good and we endeavor at all times to leave you with the illusion that we care. In keeping with our philosophy, we now offer a lot so extraordinary, so unique, that the winner is sure to reach a transcendent state of fulfillment and bliss on inhaling the acid-neutralized aroma of the card. Witness the 9th wonder of the world, the Hughie "Eee-Yah" Jennings postcard. Found in a 100-year-old cereal box in the back room of a dry cleaning establishment in Sheboygan and whisked by bicycle to a physician's office in Madison where it was used for years as a rectal probe without recognition of its value, only to be uncovered by the syphilitic laboratory assistant Igor, the card is absolute gem mint except for writing, ink stamping, postal cancellation and a postage stamp, this unparalleled rarity offers a drawing of the Bengal great that our authenticators I.P. Frehley and Seymour Butz are 100% certain belongs in the catalgue raissone of the immortal Pablo Picasso. Mastronet will supply a certificate to the lucky purchaser attesting to the possible link between this image and something else. In light of the extreme rarity and desirability of this piece, the buyer's premium will be 27.987% and only cash will be accepted.

Voice over by that guy who plays a hotel clerk in I Love Lucy and says "Yes!" in about three octaves (The Great Gildersneeze on the radio).

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Posted By: barrysloate

Ferris's teacher was Ben Stein. Perfect for the role.

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Posted By: Julie

no idea why---to extrapolate a little on Brian Hodes' [post about Diasy Buchanon's voice being "full of money"--I think the person hired will have to be able to understand--such a voice. Always.

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Posted By: Joe P.

HK Neophyte:

"removing creases from cards in plastic cases, placed underneath the legs of heavy furniture, including tables, beds, chairs, and the like"

Say it isn't so.

At Mastro's???

Does the Conservators/Stabilizers Union know about this?