PSA's Newest Slab (yes, this is parody)

JollyElm · #1 11-14-2025, 06:14 PM

Attention collectors:

If you asked a 100 collectors what the most important thing about a card is, 101 of them would shout,
“The grade number!!!!! Doy!!!!”

The conclusion is obvious, no collector (er...investor) cares about the card. No way, man!! They only care what number it got.
Which leads to a second question. What kind of deranged collecting lunatic actually cares what a card looks like anymore??!!

Since cardboard doesn’t make the man, the number makes the man, it’s time to start phasing out the card from the slab altogether, and just highlight the eminence of the beloved grade number.

Since every collector’s goal is to have their buddies, or the hot chick in the bar, see their incredible number from clear across the room, we’ve mirrored what strip joints in crowded cities do,
and made our number immediately grab everyone’s attention by glowing hugely in a shockingly bright neon green.

Green, of course, is the color of money!

Introducing the all new...

NumeroCentric Slab Technology™
“It’s a numbers game, and the numbers don't lie.”

NewPSAlabelNumeroCentric.jpg

With the immense number floating in a beautiful sea of azure inside a slab nearly three times the size of a traditional holder, our goal is to have our digit be the first manmade thing on Earth to be truly visible from space.*

It’s one small step for a grader, one giant leap for gradingkind.**

Although to focus solely on the only thing that matters, the number, the useless card will eventually be phased out altogether, for the time being it will still be found inside of the holder.
Housed in the disregarded upper ‘attic’ portion of the slab and partially obscured by our new semi-translucent label, if you ever need to remember which card your incredibly valuable, beautiful number is referring to, you’ll be able to figure it out.

But who cares, right? Gone are the days when a buyer says he’s looking for a nice looking, well-centered, or crease/wrinkle-free card. Nope, they just want a 6, 7, 8, 9 or 10.***
The number, my man, the number alone!

The neon glow of your immense digit means bragging has never been easier, and everyone will be more and more envious. Just imagine how many free drinks you will score as everybody wants to be your newest best bud.
And the aforementioned hot chick in the bar with the adorable lisp? She will no longer care that your massive belly is turning the buttons on your shirt into shrapnel. Show her your 9, and she is yours!!****

And for sellers, this slab makes your job a piece of cake!! Who needs to work on fake, BS spiel to try to get showgoers to buy your crap,***** when your numbers will be clearly visible from the other side of a card show floor and do the work for you??
Set up some chairs, dear friends, your booth is about to get wickedly crowded!!

Coming in time for spring training...

*We're still working on the math.
**Wonder if Neil Armstrong was a collector.
***Or 'Auth,' 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5.
****Of course, an easier way of landing that filthy slut is by doing a bunch of shots of Cuervo with her, but I digress.
*****Nothing personal.

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