Bring some levity Now!!!!

[JollyElm]

Share your humor, we need it...


When you're a swinger, but social distancing means the only keys in the bowl are your freakin' husband's...

keysinthebowllady.jpg

[sycks22]

Favorite part of getting autographs are when 50 year old guys in front of me always ask the athlete if they remember them from 9 years ago when they signed a ball for them. It happened this year with Bert Blyleven. Bert rolled his eyes, it was priceless

[todeen]

I was teaching english to ninth graders and used the word floozy. A girl in class (primarily spanish speaking at home) asked what that meant. I beat around the bush for two or three rounds but she still wasn't understanding what i meant. Other students in class were really enjoying this dialogue, trying to see me not embarrass myself. So i finally said, "this girl sleeps around." My student then responded, "I still don't see what's wrong with taking naps in random places!"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

[Rhotchkiss]

A friend posted this on Instagram a few dats ago; he is a geneticist and has a great sense of humor. Coronavirus pancakes for breakfast

[Brian Van Horn]

In no way am I referencing Marie Antoinette:

[ajjohnsonsoxfan]

Some levity for you....The manager of my softball team just sent this email to the team...

****
First off, I hope everyone is safe and healthy and stocked up on supplies. Man, we're in uncharted waters! I guess the only thing we can do is keep it close to home and practice strict social distancing.

I procured the game balls and the schedule last week, but that was before crap hit the fan. Now who knows if the season will be delayed or even cancelled. I hope not. At the very least I'm guessing the City will want us to play games without spectators, which would be a crushing blow to our fan base.

Meanwhile, as of 3/15/20, the CDC has issued new guidelines for community-based softball/baseball teams. Things will likely change, but I thought I'd pass them along.

1) No high-fiving.

2) No sharing of bats.

3) If you sneeze or cough into your mitt, the mitt must be burned and buried immediately.

4) If touch a base with your hand, the base must burned and buried immediately.

5) If there's a collision at the plate, both runner and catcher must be quarantined, in an apartment, in West Hollywood, for six weeks, splitting utilities equally.

6) Dugouts must be covered in plastic and properly ventilated. Music and dancing are allowed in these "safe zones."

7) If you chew sunflower seeds, shells must be swallowed. (See sect. 7B re: bloody rectum)

😎 If you're a player over 60, you can come to the game, but you have to sit in your car.

9) While high-fives are not allowed, ass slapping is acceptable, encouraged.

Miss you guys...see you on the field soon!

[JollyElm]

Man, the attention to detail is hilarious!!!!!
"...splitting utilities equally."

[Michael B]

If Jesus had twitter back in the day:

"I've got twelve followers. Cool!!!"

[doug.goodman]

Originally Posted by Michael B

If Jesus had twitter back in the day:

"I've got twelve followers. Cool!!!"

I'm thinking he might of only had eleven...

[GeoPoto]

https://net54baseball.com/attachment...1&d=1584962379

[benjulmag]

This one's been making the rounds.

[LuckyLarry]

Toilet Paper Calculator
Rolls on Hand/Toilet Uses Per Day

https://howmuchtoiletpaper.com

[GeoPoto]

https://net54baseball.com/attachment...1&d=1584966499

[Jersey City Giants]

I just heard a guy interviewed on CNBC who said "Its like a dog making love to a porcupine. Sure it feels good but as some point he is going to say how much of this can I take." I almost spit out my coffee.

[Phil68]

The ultimate "print booger" Might be the ugliest Mint 9 card of all time? Poor Pete...can't catch a break

[samosa4u]

Originally Posted by JollyElm

Share your humor, we need it...


When you're a swinger, but social distancing means the only keys in the bowl are your freakin' husband's...

Attachment 390356

Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

[Michael B]

Originally Posted by doug.goodman

I'm thinking he might of only had eleven...

That was when Judas unfollowed him.

[perezfan]

I used to cough to cover up a fart.

Nowadays I fart to cover up a cough.

[clydepepper]

Originally Posted by perezfan

I used to cough to cover up a fart.

Nowadays I fart to cover up a cough.

Now THAT's funny! - butt accurate.

[CobbSpikedMe]

- knock knock

- who's there?

- I eat mop.

…

Give it a second to register...

It's my son's favorite joke right now.

[GasHouseGang]

I thinks some of the workers might have already had COVID-19 when they made these items.

[Republicaninmass]

If this virus lasts through tick season..



We can celebrate cinco de mayo having corona with Lyme

[brianp-beme]

If Jesus had twitter back in the day:

"I've got twelve followers. Cool!!!"

Originally Posted by doug.goodman

I'm thinking he might of only had eleven...

He had twelve followers, but one was a troll.

Brian

[GasHouseGang]

How about some funny signs.

[mechanicalman]

My company has been designing and distributing WWII-era propaganda posters intended to send some positive reminders for good hygiene and good citizenship.

They are all free to download on our site:

https://dukecannon.com/pages/duke-cannon-psa-posters

[wazoo]

Originally Posted by GasHouseGang

I thinks some of the workers might have already had COVID-19 when they made these items.

Those crayons look tasty...

[jerrys]

National-Sarcasm-Society-Poster.jpg

[steve B]

I was at the makerspace a few days ago helping out a tiny bit with their project to 3d print masks for some of the local hospitals.

Anyway, one of the young guys went to shake hands with another then they both backed off and eventually decided on a foot bump.

I turned to the other older guy and said "For over 50 years its been "don't kick your friends" that's all gone now. "

[bobcatfunds]

What's the difference between the people in Dubai and the people in Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai do not like "The Flinstones", but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[Leon]

Originally Posted by benjulmag

This one's been making the rounds.

This is awesome.

[GasHouseGang]

Here are some funny pictures for the teachers out there that may be missing their classrooms and students right about now.

[steve B]

The open house menu...
None of my teachers would have made the adoption comment for a mere $10. They would be worried my folks would say yes....

Just kidding, my parents are wonderful and would never have taken that offer, but like all parents there were some days...

[Michael B]

If you get an email with the subject line 'Knock, Knock' don't open it.

It is a Jehovah's Witness or Mormon working from home.

[Michael B]

Who says you need to choose between Right Twix and Left Twix?

You could be ambitwixterous!

(I made this up myself. Quite surprised no one at the company has thought of this yet)

[todeen]

Originally Posted by Michael B

If you get an email with the subject line 'Knock, Knock' don't open it.



It is a Jehovah's Witness or Mormon working from home.

https://youtu.be/OKkLV1zE8M0

If you haven't seen it live. But remember, as the advertising in the playbill says, the book is always better!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

[jerrys]

58 Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
=================================
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Trump Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Woods to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `19
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

[dabigyankeeman]

The wife of former Astro's player Gerrit Cole is pregnant and due soon. The baby is gonna look like Altuve because it turns out that garbage cans are not the only thing he was banging..........

[sycks22]

Best Major League quote of all time:
Haywood: Taylor what are you doin back up here?
Taylor: I couldn't cut it in the Mexican Leagues

[Cmount76]

Baseball 2020