[JollyElm]

"Most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling, the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I'm collecting."

I present to you 2021's Collectorisms Part IX (also SemRANTics or VoSLABulary)

***ALERT!!!!!!*** This is meant for entertainment purposes only!!!! Hopefully, laughs will abound!!!!
Before you do anything, scroll down to #457 and read it, so you will understand what's going on here. Life is short, so grab the giggles while you still can!

This is a work of fiction, grammar Nazis, so if I wanted to write "raquelwelchisthehottestpieceofassinhistory" and use it as a verb, I could. Will most surely induce vomiting. Masks must be worn at all times while reading this. Please stand six feet back from your phone or computer, or you'll be sent away to a COVID re-education camp. No polar ice caps were affected while writing this post.


"I came here tonight, because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life collecting cards, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible..."




447. Exgilaration (usually followed by a slew of exclamation points)
The unbounded thrill of Brooklyn Dodgers fans (or their now-middle-aged children) who have waited a lifetime to finally see Gil Hodges voted into the Hall of Fame.

See also: Olivator Shaft - The regret of missing out on picking up Tony Oliva cards cheaply, before the Hall of Fame vote caused a surge in pricing.

See also: Oliva Oil - the newly discovered and suddenly more valuable Tony Oliva cards found in your doubles or commons boxes.

See also: Kaaticombs - the recesses that you crawl through in your search for the hidden-away boxes that may contain old Jim Kaat cards.

448. Miyagi
A card with gum or wax residue on front that has turned nasty-looking over time, but you know it can be easily ‘waxed off.’

449. Protractivity
Posting a ‘for sale’ thread which is hardly getting any views...but once the card is gone and you change the title to include the word “SOLD,” the number of views suddenly surges upward.

See also: Sigh-onara - seeing “SOLD” next to a card you would have immediately jumped at had you seen it in time.

450. Bereaven-Steven
A trade made that includes you sadly parting ways with a card that you really wanted to hold onto.

451. Horizertical
The non-specific corner orientation of horizontal cards. If someone directs you to, say, a team card’s bottom right corner, does he mean the lower right corner when the card is positioned as it was meant to be looked at, or is he referring to the lower right corner as it sits vertically inside of a slab?

452. Up Slit’s Creek
The delicate, no-margin-for-error process of trying to successfully slide a card into a tight-fitting penny sleeve without chipping the card.

453. Swifteen Minutes (also No Maas)
The abbreviated time that the hot cards of rookies taking the baseball world by storm enjoy the limelight...before they inevitably drop off the face of the earth.

454. Mocknee Accent
The curious inclusion of the photographer’s leg in the picture on Dick Allen’s 1971 Topps card.

See also: Massachusetts Blobster Roll - the 1959 Fleer Ted Williams #34 “1947 - Ted Sets Runs-Scored Record” card.

See also: Say-Hey Krud - the oft-ridiculed fact that Topps surreptitiously snuck a sliding Willie Mays into Hank Aaron’s 1956 card.

455. Scheduality
The odd occurrence when both last month’s and this month’s ‘New Pick-Ups’ threads are both active at the same time.

See also: Last Monther - someone who feels the need to explain that although he’s posting in the new pickups thread, he actually bought the card during the previous month.

456. Climbs Disease
The affliction of continually needing to upgrade your cards to higher slab numbers.

457. “Ashes to Ashes, Cardboard to Cardboard”
The depressing realization that at some point each of us is going to unknowingly be eligible for a “Sad News - (Your Name Here)” thread.

458. Signfailed (followed by the obligatory lip pops, tongue noises and other “organic human sounds” as a lead-in...)
A (theoretical?) thread centered around whether or not a vintage sign or advertisement piece is authentic.

See also: Jerrymanderer - a person starting this sort of thread who really works hard to persuade people to get on his side and agree with his conclusions.

See also: New, Man! - an annoying person who only shows up to exclaim it is nothing but a modern day creation or reproduction.

See also: George Bonanza - a member who is convinced it is the real thing and tells you so.

See also: George Lowcostanza - someone who doesn’t have a lot of faith in the piece and advises you to only buy it if it’s extremely cheap.

See also: Art Vandewayoff - anyone who doesn’t mince words and tells you it’s as fake as fake can be.

See also: Swoop Nazi - someone trying to beat everyone else to the punch by sending the OP messages with offers to buy the piece, because he’s convinced it’s real.

See also: Diskramer - a cautious person who feels it very well may be legitimate, but won’t fully commit until more evidence is provided.

See also: Elaincet (or Oppose Talker) - somebody poking holes in other people’s claims of authenticity or inauthenticity.

See also: Mockinaw Peaches - posts telling the OP there is no way in heck the piece is real, but said in an ostensibly sweet way.

See also: Babu Bhattshittcrazy (or Kenny Banyapper) - somebody who spouts all sorts of things that he thinks are relevant, but no one has any idea what he’s talking about.

See also: Sue Ellen Mischmaschke - someone who not only offers information pointing to it being legitimate, but at the same time also states reasons that might make it a fake.

See also: Anti-Dendrite (or Tim Whatleech) - someone who, for selfish reasons, hopes the thread doesn’t continue to branch outward and get exposed to other potential buyers.

See also: "J." Petermanifesto (or Bob Sacamaniacal) - a guy who takes no prisoners and goes on and on in letting everyone know that his opinion as to authenticity is the only one that matters.

See also: Scoffee Shop - the state the thread reaches as it begins to move away from a pursuit of information and degenerates into an insult fest.

See also: Viewer Shrinkage - as the thread devolves into nothing but a nasty argument, fewer and fewer members regularly check in for updates.

See also: Uncle Brio - somebody without an opinion of whether or not it is legitimate, but saying how awesome of a find it is.

See also: Lloyd Braunnoser - a person trying to get on the OP’s good side, hoping it’ll increase his chances of getting the piece off of him.

See also: Re-Grifter - someone who is certain it’s a fabrication, but wants to buy it cheaply so he can sell it elsewhere as ‘real’ and make a huge profit.

See also: The Bubble-Burst Boy - a guy who offers ‘drop the mic’ proof that the piece is indeed a fake.

459. Flipreader
Someone who’s able to tell you what year a card was graded by examining the layout, typeface, cert number, and other information found on the slab.

460. Plastic Cageism
The bias associated with the older, cheap looking PSA labels which causes the cards housed within them to sell for less than their newer counterparts.

461. Shirtchanged (also Alley-Oops-a-Daisy)
The bizarre practice of Topps showing basketball players with their uniform tops on backwards, so their last names were visible.

462. Thingamajignorant
When you don’t know what the various types of baseball card supplies - like penny sleeves, toploaders, snaptites, pocket pages, screw downs, corrugated boxes, team bags, etc. - are specifically called.

463. Slab Blind
Being so enthralled and focused on the beauty of a card that you don’t even notice the blatant damage and/or blemishes, like cracks or frosting, on the case itself.

464. Ōm Plate
The fact that looking through your baseball card collection will always give you the feeling of peace and serenity you’re craving at that moment.

See also: Winner Sanctum - the blessed feeling of joy as you sit alone in a comfy chair admiring your fantastic new auction pick-up.

465. Mold Gold (also Wönderbond (Ger.))
The various sets of cards issued by bread companies.

See also: Flourdough - a seriously valuable bread company card.

See also: Bond Bombshell - any newfound information that helps advance our knowledge of the prized, late-40’s Jackie Robinson set.

466. Vignorance (also Semantax)
The realization that after agreeing on a price for a card at a show, the ‘real’ price turns out to be completely different, because taxes and fees had to be added due to the use of a credit card.

467. Back Roads Scholar
Someone who enjoys researching, discussing and seeking to visit the former sites of long forgotten baseball stadiums.

468. Scanicure
The slow, gentle pushing of your fingernail into the side of a card to get a lift and remove it from the static cling of the scanner bed without causing any damage to it.

See also: Axtraction - when pushing your fingernail too hard into the side of a card causes chipping or makes the layers of cardboard separate.

469. Double-Edder
The inescapable inclination to accidentally say “Eddie Murphy” when meaning to say “Eddie Murray.”

470. Chextras
Having two of each of the checklists when building a set - one to be marked up and used as an actual checklist, and the other to be left unblemished for posterity.

471. Doubt of Focus
Not being able to decipher which of the jumble of helmeted players in the action shot on a football card is the player whose card it is.

See also: Bailoutfit - by looking at the team name on the card, you can match up the color of the uniform in the photo to zero in on the correct player.

472. Augmensch
Someone who is able to add all sorts of extra enjoyment to a card by relating background stories or bits of trivia about the player or the card itself.

473. Buyerarchy
The order in which each individual collector personally places each of the fundamental card assessment elements - centering, corners, image clarity, print quality, etc. - from most important to least important, when purchasing cards.

474. Sword of Damosleaze (myth.)
The fear and anxiety that looms over every seller who sends cards through the mail to winning bidders, never being safe from a shyster pulling an ‘although the tracking says it arrived, it didn’t’ or ‘the card arrived damaged’ scam.

475. Battrition
The sad fact that the dais at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony has fewer and fewer all-time greats on it each year.

See also: Pinchtributor - a relative of a deceased enshrinee who takes the stage to give the Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

476. Shortslighted
The frustrated realization that until you had the card in hand, you didn’t know the 1975 Topps you bought was actually a 1975 Topps Mini.

See also: Double-Shorted - how expensive the 1975 Brett, Yount, Rice and Carter cards become for HOF rookie card collectors, since you have to buy two of each, a regular and a mini.

See also: Smallevolence (or Minipulator) - a seller purposefully listing a card as a regular “1975 Topps,” and not as a “1975 Topps Mini.”

477. Shrugly Duckling
A card that turns out to be ‘not as described’ when you receive it, but since the price still works for the actual condition it is in, you decide it’s best to just keep it and avoid going through the hassle of seeking a refund.

478. “Loose lips sink flips.”
The time honored maxim that it is best not to be too forthcoming in letting people know what hard-to-find cards you’re actively pursuing, because anyone having one of those cards will know they now have you over a barrel.

479. Double-Bummer
A low grade card that also has a qualifier on the label.

480. Fake Schmooze
Dealers at card shows who are obviously only being nice to you in an attempt to talk you into overpaying for something on their table.

481. Pollacrity
When people, instead of answering honestly, purposely vote a certain way in a poll just to be d-bags and mess up the results.

482. Loverturner (or Yupender)
Collectors who jubilantly flip a card over to read the back and look at the cartoon

See also: Learnover - finding interesting things on a back of a card that you hadn’t known before.

483. Mathematricks
The purposeful use of only outlier data by someone trying to convince you that the card he is offering in a trade is equal to the high value card of yours he’s looking to score.

484. Quintuple Dribble
The astounding fact that the entire starting lineup pictured on 1972 and 1973 Topps New York Knicks cards are all Hall of Famers.

See also: Septuple Dribble - when the cards of Phil Jackson and Jerry Lucas are also included.

485. Grincomplete (also Shundamental)
Being completely satisfied in considering your set complete without ever worrying about trying to obtain any of the impossible-to-get cards like the T-206 “Big 4” or 1952 Topps high numbers.

See also: Basis Full - whether it’s the lack of high numbers, variations or other things, what each collector personally considers to be ‘close enough’ to a complete set for them individually.

See also: Reign of Error - knowing you’ll never be able to afford either of the T-206 Sherry “Magie” or Joe Doyle “N.Y. NAT’L” variations.

486. Shortwaives
Players who shoulda/coulda/woulda been Hall of Famers, but their careers were curtailed by serious injuries.

See also: Shortcrave - final career statistics aside, the belief that these superstars still deserve enshrinement based on their somewhat abbreviated accomplishments.

See also: Formattingly - any supporter of Donnie Baseball’s enshrinement.

See also: Balking Wounded - cards of football players who were ‘sure-fire’ Hall of Famers early on, but career ending/altering injuries forever derailed their enshrinement.

487. Minibum
Someone who knowingly sells trimmed cards.

See also: Rpoff Artist - a seller who either disguises the fact that a card is a reprint, or whose only reference to it being so is an easily-missed “RP” notation in the description.

488. Statistics Schmatistics
Being careful with what the figures actually tell you. For instance, a quarterback flipping the ball forward an inch to a player who takes it 99 yards to the house, gets credit for a 99 yard TD pass, and a can-of-corn out in one old baseball stadium would have been a home run in a different one.

489. Technicalithief (also Pinielling Lies (colloquialism))
A seller deceptively calling a card a rookie card (which it technically is), when the player’s actual rookie card was the one he was pictured on in a previous year.

See also: Enemasquerade - getting screwed over by not realizing that this card is not his actual 'first' rookie card.

490. Tape Saint
Anyone who deliberately folds over the corner of the tape used to seal a toploader, so the person receiving the card can immediately open it without vainly scraping their fingernails across it trying to lift a corner.

See also: My Blue Tape Heaven - opening a mailer to see the sender used easily-removable painter’s tape to secure everything, and your immediate thought is, “This guy gets it.”


Now that you've wasted time reading this, go give someone a needed hug!!