[JollyElm]

“Are you police?”
“No ma’am, we're card collectors.”


I got my first real keyboard
Bought it at the emporium
Typed on it 'til my fingers* bled
Was the summer of '21...

*Only on my left hand, because my right arm has been immobilized for a month and a half following surgery.


I present to you 2021's Collectorisms Part VII (also SemRANTics or VoSLABulary)


***ALERT!!!!!!*** Before you do anything, scroll down to #400 and read it, so you will understand what's going on here.

Anyone reading this post needs to be wearing a mask. For entertainment purposes only. Anyone being offended should consult a physician. All demonstrations by professional drivers were executed on closed courses - please do not attempt at home. Give your children a hug tonight, and best of luck.


Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures? It's a website. Come on, will ya? Start reading...



337. Dishonus Wagner
The trimmed T206 Honus Wagner with serial #00000001 (the so-called ‘Gretzky/McNall Wagner’) that was the very first card to be graded by PSA.

See also: Wags Hag - anyone who uses a picture of this card as a metaphor for PSA’s ineptitude.

338. Murderer’s D'oh!
Finding out you’ve been deceived and fleeced by someone selling a reprinted card or counterfeit piece of late-1920’s Yankees memorabilia.

339. Scanchovies
The little scraps and specks of dust, dross, hair and whatnot that sit ‘on top’ of a card in a scan.

340. North Pull
The card situated on the top of an unopened pack of cards.

See also: South Pull - the card situated on the bottom of an unopened pack.

See also: Gummi Pairs - the cards (and/or inserts) in a pack that the stick of gum is/was sandwiched between.

341. Sharepopper
A person who organizes, runs and looks after a group submission to a Third Party Grader.

342. Glitter Critter
An avid collector of modern cards.

343. Shine Swine
Disreputable sellers who are listing modern cards at just plainly extortionate prices.

344. Raison d'nêtre (Fr.)
Whether it’s for camaraderie, the free marketplace to peddle your cards, or just to continually start arguments with other members, the essential, defining reason that each of us is a net54 member to begin with.

345. Sleight of Brand
The trickery of adding “Not PSA” to an eBay listing of a card graded by a different company, so you can reap the rewards of people including “PSA” in their searches, and get your auction viewed by a helluva lot more people.

346. Scrounge Lizard (also Molehiller)
Someone who purposely keeps inventing and carping about tiny, inconsequential imperfections in a card you’re trying to sell in an obnoxious attempt to force you to lower your price significantly.

347. Kvetch-22
The principle that the people who bitterly complain the most about PSA’s horrific business practices are the same ones who gladly keep sending in more cards to be graded, because PSA slabs deliver the highest sales prices.

See also: “Hegemony Crickets!” - an expression referring to the metaphorical sound of silence as the venerated PSA refuses to ever address even a single one of the countless accusations of malfeasance made against them.

348. Pentourage
The insignificant autographs that appear on a multi-signed piece that surround (and let’s face it, ruin) the signature of a coveted, highly collectible player.

349. Scrawl Revered
A very precious, venerated, extremely valuable and/or rarely seen player’s autograph.

350. Scribble Squabble
A disagreement over whether or not an autograph is authentic.

351. The Math of Con
An exorbitantly-priced card on eBay that now has an eye-catching ‘slashed price’ graphic with “12% OFF” added to it, as if that tiny bit of money ‘saved’ would in any way, shape or form make a difference.

352. Wiltwashed
When a seller lists the 1969 Topps Wilt Chamberlain as his rookie card, as if the cards Fleer issued almost a decade earlier somehow do not count.

353. Strophanger (also Ginsu Gus)
Anyone who uses the term “Razor Sharp!!” in an auction listing.

See also: Texthibitionist - an eBayer using “FLASH SALE!” in their listing.

See also: Empty Bindering - a seller using “Set Break” when they’re only auctioning off one or two cards from the set.

See also: Bodybilker - an eBayer coyly trying to greatly enhance the value of the card he’s selling by stating, “Strong for the grade!!”

See also: Doing the Lindy - a seller exclaiming how a card is the player’s “First Solo Card!”

354. “Sorry, Wrong Lumber.”
The polite way an expert on the site definitively tells you the supposed ‘gamer’ bat you’re asking about was in no way ever owned or used by the player in question.

See also: Sears Noebucks - when the bat turns out to be nothing but a ‘worthless’ store model.

355. Apexpat Predator
A collector living in a foreign country who has seemingly cornered a niche of the card market due to local interest (or lack thereof) being vastly different over there.

356. Past Sales Irrelevancy
The fact that you can quote the prices of past sales of a card until you’re blue in the face, but the reality is it doesn’t matter. Whatever the lowest price on eBay is for that same card in the same shape at this moment is truly what it is now ‘worth.’

See also: Highpay Snobbery - when someone tells you, “Your price of $500 is too high for this card. The last sales were only $290 and $325,” and you respond, “True, but the only one available on eBay is for $650, so either pay my price or hit the bricks, buddy.”

357. Sideswapped
A horizontally oriented card that was accidentally placed in the slab the wrong way (and doesn’t correspond to how all of the other horizontal ones from the same set are encapsulated) by the grading company.

358. Departicipation Trophy
That one thing you finally buy on your way out the door of a card show (or as the close of an auction draws near), just so you can begrudgingly say at least you picked up something at the event.

359. Wadvice
A thread stating you have a large amount of money to spend on a card, and you want members to specifically tell you what you should buy.

360. Blabbergasted
When someone makes a point of stating in a bustling thread, “I’m really surprised no one has mentioned (add name here) yet”...instead of (here’s an idea) just writing about that player yourself!

361. Hologramps
Any vintage collector who glances at a show table brimming with modern cards and immediately passes it by.

362. Rank-Spanking
Beating out a rival from the registry in an auction for a tough, high-grade card you both need.

363. Psachotherapy (also Modus Poperandi)
The fruitless undertaking of trying to understand the methodology involved in the TPG giving your card the grade it received.

364. Source Sense
The acumen developed over time and used by experienced collectors of photographs to tell you what you have (or have not) got based on the markings, writings and stamps on back.

365. Woo-Hoo Hounds
A card showing the random mix of teammates and coaches during the drunken locker room aftermath of a world series victory.

See also: Wrong Johns - when the half-dressed, champagne-soaked group of celebrants on the card are all scrubs, and not the team’s superstars.

See also: Randumfounded - having no clue who any of the players taking part in the chaotic revelry are.

See also: Shindignitary - when a superstar or Hall of Famer is readily visible on the card.

366. Stickstacking
Rifling through your piles of empty toploaders, trying to find a single clean one that’s free of tape residue and not stuck to other ones.

367. Fanguage (also Batois)
The dialect or ‘secret language’ (including terms, expressions, references to past players or glories, local towns and landmarks, etc.) of a fan base that is regularly used while talking about their beloved (or sometimes despised) team.

See also: Fansplaining - interpreting or teaching this lingo to an outsider.

368. Discompopulation
The fact that certain sets don’t have complete and meaningful population data due to PSA’s adjusted itemizing practices over time. Some notable examples being the 1962 regular and ‘green tint’ cards weren’t always counted as separate entities, and specific tobacco card backs weren’t always listed separately.

369. Double Schlepardy
When someone is being an argumentative d-bag in two different threads at the same time.

370. Regresstimate
When additional information (such as an unseen wrinkle or slight paper loss) comes to light about the card in a ‘guess the grade’ thread, and you have to reassess and lower your numerical prediction.

371. Edge Clippers
Kids who cut down larger cards back in the day to make them match the ‘new,’ standardized size of Topps cards.

See also: Reteamption (or Overclubbed) - an old card found to have a traded player’s ‘new at the time’ team written on it by a kid many, many years ago.

372. Pastronaut (also Hindsightseer)
Anyone getting involved in the meaningless and frustrating theoretical argument of whether or not the all-time great players from earlier in the 1900’s would be able to thrive in the modern era.

See also: Spew Colors - the ploy, yet again, of a self-important member who pompously thinks he wins the argument by pointing out how the great players of pre-1947 baseball never had to face any ballplayers of color, as if he’s saying something every single human being doesn’t already know.

See also: Faroffsighted - having such a love for the old time players, while knowing nearly nothing about what’s going on in the current game.

373. Plotonic
Reading a thread that, based on the title, is surely going to be another ranting disparagement of a seller or an auction house...only to find that no, in a plot twist no one saw coming, it’s one that actually affectionately praises them!!

374. Swashbackler
An avid enthusiast and collector of tobacco card backs.

375. Swingcognito (also Action Disfigure)
A Bobble Head or Starting Lineup that, if it didn’t have the player’s name displayed right on the front of it, you wouldn’t have a freaking clue who it was supposed to be.

See also: Plackadaisical - the feeling that, after seeing how awful looking the bronze plaques of some Hall of Famers are, the artists didn’t put any effort whatsoever into creating the supposed likenesses.

376. Shred Man’s Hand
Cards that have obviously been trimmed (and doctored) to end up graded as PSA 8’s, when in reality they are nothing more than PSA 1’s.

377. Guffaw Poll (also Whoa! of Hands)
Seeing the numbers of a poll you participated in, and not understanding how in heck the people here could’ve possibly voted the way they did.

378. Err Quotes
A snarky member who quotes only a tiny portion of someone’s post, so they can take exception to it while ignoring the overall intent of said post.

379. Hocus Croakus
The supernaturally magical rise in demand of a player’s cards the moment he passes away.

380. Vexed to Last
When you still can’t afford to buy either of the final two cards needed to complete a set.

See also: Penultimuthah F*cker!!! - the scream coming out of anyone whose last two cards needed to finish the 1967 Topps set are the high numbered Rod Carew and Tom Seaver rookie cards.

See also: “Can't Set There From Here” - the way a southerner tells you you’ll never be able to complete a certain baseball card set.

381. Uppermohst
The position that a piece of Topps gum from a pack of baseball cards occupies on the hardness scale.

See also: Eschewing Glum - the feeling of disappointment the day Topps decided to stop including sticks of gum in trading card packs.

382. Greed Cavity (also Lacktivity)
That curiously empty space in front of a table at a very crowded, busy show that tells the observer the seller’s asking prices are just too exhorbitantly high for anyone to bother with.

383. Scantortionist
When a seller has obviously and deceptively photoshopped an image to make a card appear to be in much better shape than it really is, the silly apologist who jumps in to argue, “No, it’s just because of the scanner settings used.”

See also: Fappologist - someone who’s always such a vigorous defender of a bad apple in the hobby, that you know he’s looking at photos of that guy during his private ‘self-entertainment’ activities.

384. Poison Woke
An irritating post by a pea-brain who feels the need to purposely inject his pathetic ‘wokeness’ into a thread, when it has no business being there.

385. Endrunaissance
The start of the exciting new era when Fleer and Donruss were finally able to get around all of the Topps roadblocks and start widely distributing their new sets of cards.

386. Pathogenuine
A card that you only realize has a fatal flaw when it comes back (unknown to you) as ‘Authentic Altered.’

387. Grintruders (also Sleepwalk-Ons)
Traveling secretaries, equipment managers and other randos who appear on team cards to fill some spaces.

388. “Of all the card joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine.”
The plaintive grumble issued by a seller when he catches a glimpse of a card show attendee who he’s had bad dealings with in the past.

389. Street Sweeper
An off-centered card where the image is nearly falling off the bottom edge.

See also: Ceiling Fan - an off-centered card where the image is pushed up toward the top edge.

See also: Minor’easter - a card that is slightly off centered, pushed a little toward the bottom left corner.

See also: Leanness De Milo - a card that has undoubtedly been trimmed on the sides.

390. Biñata
The large plastic storage container at a show that is packed with inexpensive cards (which aren’t in toploaders) that are quickly getting destroyed by all the grubby hands rifling through them.

391. Bumping Off Point
The minimum increase in grade your card would need to receive in order to make a resubmission financially worthwhile.

See also: Resubmitzvah - cracking a card out of its slab, resubmitting it to the TPG and feeling blessed by the new, higher number it received.

392. Huebie Doo
Someone who is able to conclusively solve the mystery and tell you the card you’re asking about is real or fake, based solely on the colors and tones in play.

393. Gettysburger
Any card having an SGC 80 (“four score”) grade on the label.
Also used in some circles to indicate a grand slam home run.

394. Shamnesia
Accidentally buying a card from an absolutely disreputable seller who has been exposed time and time again, because you didn’t realize or forgot it was this seller.

395. Shillicon Tally
When a member outlines specifically how an expensive auction price was nefariously run up by conspirators.

396. Nonbindary
A collector who isn’t interested in completing full sets.

See also: Teamophiliac - a person whose collection is centered around grabbing cards from only one particular club.

397. Relish You Were Here (informal)
A thread where a member posts that he’s done being a member of net54, but you know damn well he’s going to quickly return to the thread to enthusiastically count the number of people imploring him to stay.

398. Winstability
When you enter a bid with only moments to go and the screen tells you you’re the high bidder...but there’s a few seconds left and you stare at the screen (even AFTER the auction ends) wondering if that’s going to suddenly change.

399. Choptimist
A person who while watching a video of an enthusiastic ‘rack pack rip’ harbors a secret desire for the guy to accidentally damage the cards or cut his finger as he wields the sharp scissors.

400. Hemingwaste
Someone writing a long, rambling, in-depth post who actually thinks he’s adding all sorts of insight to the thread, but when you’re done with it you realize, ”That’s ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back.”

401. Flipper-Swiffer
A person getting a long-ago graded card reholdered in a clean new slab, for the express purpose of tricking potential buyers into thinking it was newly graded under ‘stricter’ guidelines.

402. Trademarquee
The large, unavoidable presence that the multiple branding imprints on modern cards have become, as all the TM and © symbols are impossible to ignore.

403. Rants in Your Pants
A member who seemingly out of nowhere starts bitterly complaining about someone or something.

404. Amelia Snarehart
Seeing a great card at a great price on eBay, so you immediately click ‘buy it now’...but as the page loads, it suddenly says “This listing has ended.” and you realize someone else swooped in and grabbed it...and this wondrous card has vanished right before your very eyes!!!

405. Pink Eye Appeal (or Eye Appall)
A card that a seller touts as having “Great eye appeal!!,” when everyone can plainly see it most certainly does not.

See also: Iconjunctivitis - a Hall of Famer card that sadly has really bad eye appeal.

406. Crow-tahni
A collector who loves talking up how Shohei Ohtani is the best thing since sliced bread.

See also: Dough-tahni - an optimistic collector who is extremely bullish on Shohei Ohtani, and is investing big time in his cards.

See also: Woe-tahni - a pessimistic collector who has no doubt that be it an injury or otherwise, Shohei Ohtani is headed for a big downfall.

See also: Yenigma - the odd status that the 1965 Topps #282 Masanori Murakami rookie card enjoys due to him being the first Japanese player to play for a Major League Baseball team.

407. Hit By Q-Pid’s Arrow
The newfound desire for cards with qualifiers in the current boom market, as they are now regularly selling for much larger sums than ever before.

See also: Flippery Slope - seeing all of the problems to come now that PSA has unilaterally decided to stop using qualifiers when grading cards.

408. Sniper Rash
The bitter irritation you feel after waking to find your sniping app failed to place your bids last night.

See also: GrabHub - any sniping tool app.

409. Grumballyhoo (also Grail Fraud)
Not understanding the unbridled adoration and enthusiasm for a certain set that is cherished by so many collectors, when you have no problem saying that it absolutely sucks.

410. Fold Blooded
A seller who doesn’t consider an obviously bent corner to be a crease or a wrinkle.

411. Remissing Link
When you run across a card on eBay that you’ve somehow never seen before...but it comes from a set you are highly familiar with.

412. Twerp Walk
When the feds make an arrest during the National and haul the miserable miscreant out in front of everyone.

413. Covidiocy
How the sudden interest in baseball cards by well-heeled investors has so insidiously infected the hobby that reasonably affordable purchases for lifelong collectors have now become a thing of the past.

And I bid you adieu!!!