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Bottom of the NinthFour surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color coded." "You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."
Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Three reasons: Lawyers are more plentiful, the researchers don't get as attached to them and ... there are some things a lab rat simply will not do. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythical creatures.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.
Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you!"