As a comic I love Festivus because the airing of grievances allows for a free form complaint fest. I'm probably going to regret it but here are grievances I air around this time of the year when I do stand-up:
Handicapped people correcting me to say "disabled": stop bitching, you already have the good parking. Now I can't even
say handicapped? That's retarded.
Costco food samplers laying all sorts of rules on me. You're handing out junk food in a warehouse not saving the manatees. Just put the food in the cup and STFU.
The sign at the Y's pool that warns people with active diarrhea to stay out of the pool: who goes swimming with the trots?
Guys who post on social media about their " lovely bride": you know, "At dinner with my lovely bride. Twenty years and still as madly in love as ever." Besides the fact that I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I read something like that, you're trying too hard. Those are the guys we have to worry about. If we don't see the lovely bride for a few weeks odds are her head is in a bowling bag and he's eating her liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
A guest dropping a dookie in my office or house. Be a decent person and hold it in until you get to your own toilet. What do you want next, sex with my wife?
White people using black slang: if I hear one more white woman saying she's woke I am going to hit someone.
People who say don’t speak ill of the dead. Why, do jackholes get better with age? And if that's the rule, why don't we hear nice things about Hitler?
Couples who say they are best friends. Yeah, because they suck at making friends.
CVS's mile long receipt. I'm just trying to buy a battery for my car key fob, not wallpaper my bathroom. And what's worse now that I'm in my fifties is that the offers are insulting. 20 years ago, it was offers for tequila and condoms, now it is stool softener and mouthwash.
People who say I forgot to eat. I have forgotten my keys. I have forgotten my wallet. I've even forgotten the baby bucket on the roof of the car. I have never, ever forgotten to eat. Anyone who says that they forgot to eat should be forced to fast for two weeks. Won't forget that again.
People who give gift cards from fast food places. Yeah, when you want to show just how little you care.
My wife complaining about my taking a dump.
"Oh my god, what are you doing in there?"
"Masturbating. What do you think I'm doing? Leave me alone."
Religious nuts who praise God for saving them from the tornado that wrecked their town. "Jesus loves us he saved us from the tornado!" Maybe but he sure hates your neighbors.
Pregnant women who expect me to congratulate them.
If you want congratulations for a pregnancy come back in twenty years and we will see how the kid turned out, Mrs. Hitler. Be a hell of s thing to get on the train to the death camp thinking "damn, I congratulated his mother."
Whoever invented truck nuts.
When I look at a truck I never think "say, that would look great with balls."
Scented markers. We tell kids "Don't huff glue" but it is Ok to smell these?
As much as I appreciate the extra leg room on flights how about some extra ass room? Not everyone is built like a 14 year old Asian girl.
Thanks, you've been a great crowd. Enjoy Twisted Sister.
