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Ease
02-08-2011, 09:27 PM
Clean jokes only please. Here's one baseball related:

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to
their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His
friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about
their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when
you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for
you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is
sleeping when he hears his friend's voice.

The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

FUBAR
02-08-2011, 10:40 PM
this is about as clean as i can get with my jokes....

Why don't women fart??

because they can't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up any pressure!!

dstraate
02-09-2011, 11:51 AM
So this young couple meets in Vegas, falls madly in love, gets married at a drive through and is honeymooning at the Luxor pool the next day.

As they sunbathe, the man gets up walks to the diving board, and throws a double backflip, perfectly cutting into the water. As he walks back the lady says "wow, that's incredible!" He smugly replies "I was a champion diver in college, I imagine we'll be learning a lot about each other in the coming months"

Not to be outdone, the wife dives into the Olympic pool and swims two laps, underwater, without taking a breath. "Incredible! you must have been a champion swimmer" says the husband.

"Nope, I was a call girl in Memphis, but I had to work both sides of the river".

ChiefBenderForever
02-09-2011, 12:28 PM
Q- What did one ball say to the other ?




A- Why should we hang ? Peter did all the shooting !

judsonhamlin
02-09-2011, 12:30 PM
Neuton walks into a bar. Says, "Hey, barkeep, can I have a beer?"
Bartender gives him his beer. Neutron asks, "How much?
Bartender says, "For you, no charge"


Proton walksin to a bar. Says, "Hey, I was in here last night and i left my wallet - have you seen it?"
Bartender asks, "You sure?"
Proton says, "I'm positive"


Electron walks into a bar, sits down and starts crying.
bartender walks up to him and asks, "Why so negative?"


Ta-da
Here 'til Thursday - try the veal.

D. Broughman
02-09-2011, 12:58 PM
A lady hears a knock on the front door and when she opens it there is a little girl with a kitten hanging on her arm. The little girl says "Do you want a putty tat". The lady says how cute that was and calls her daughter from the kitchen. The daughter looks at the little girl and she says "Do you want a putty tat". The daughter says how cute that was and calls the dad from his den. The dad see the little girl and the little girl says " Do you want this Dam Tat!:mad:

Jim VB
02-09-2011, 01:48 PM
Neuton walks into a bar. Says, "Hey, barkeep, can I have a beer?"
Bartender gives him his beer. Neutron asks, "How much?
Bartender says, "For you, no charge"


Proton walksin to a bar. Says, "Hey, I was in here last night and i left my wallet - have you seen it?"
Bartender asks, "You sure?"
Proton says, "I'm positive"


Electron walks into a bar, sits down and starts crying.
bartender walks up to him and asks, "Why so negative?"


Ta-da
Here 'til Thursday - try the veal.



Follow up (requires more thinking.)


Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says "Want a beer?'

Descartes says "I think not!"


POOF! He's gone.

barrysloate
02-09-2011, 02:37 PM
I think therefore I am.

I think not...therefore I'm not.

Got the joke.:)

barrysloate
02-09-2011, 04:20 PM
I told this one a while back on the main board to little fanfare, so I'll try it again.

A man tries to sell a talking dog to a second man. The buyer is of course skeptical, so the seller offers a demonstration. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" The dog replies "ruff." The second man is not amused, and surely doesn't believe the dog can talk.

The seller offers to try again: "what do you find on top of a house?" The dog replies "rooof." Now the second man is getting angry. "Do you think I'm that much of an idiot?"

The seller offers one last try. He asks the dog "who is the greatest Yankee who ever lived?" The dog replies "roooth." The second man becomes irate and storms off.

After he's gone, the dog turns to his owner and says: "So who was it then, DiMaggio?"

jerrys
02-09-2011, 07:48 PM
Natural Laws

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works
every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

HRBAKER
02-09-2011, 08:02 PM
Q: What was the last thing Jesus said at the Last Supper?
A: "You get on this side of the table so you can get in the picture."

Told to me by my pastor over 40 years ago, not sure why it has hung with me all these years.

richieb315
02-09-2011, 08:06 PM
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

HRBAKER
02-09-2011, 08:11 PM
How'd that guy from Duke get in there?

richieb315
02-09-2011, 08:32 PM
How'd that guy from Duke get in there?

When I first heard the joke it was told of a Harvard graduate. I found this one online. Didnt remember the complete joke to write it out. I thinks its one of the better jokes.

HRBAKER
02-09-2011, 08:37 PM
When I first heard the joke it was told of a Harvard graduate. I found this one online. Didnt remember the complete joke to write it out. I thinks its one of the better jokes.

You're right, it's good. Not quite Nantucket limmerick material but good. :D

mark evans
02-10-2011, 12:32 PM
I went into a bar and told the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Jim VB
02-10-2011, 06:30 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

jerrys
02-12-2011, 06:49 PM
At a World Series game a man sat down in a box seat behind first base. Next to him there was an empty seat. The man on the other side of the empty seat says to him: “It’s incredible that anyone would not show up for a World Series game”. Somberly, the other man says: “Well…the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that. But couldn’t you find a friend or relative to take the seat”? The man shakes his head and says: “No. They’re all at the funeral”.

Writehooks
02-13-2011, 10:42 PM
I was fortunate enough to have a 1-on-1 interview with Muhammad Ali in the early '80s. The first thing out of his mouth was this: "What did Lincoln say after a three-day drunk? Give up? I freed whooooo?"

Jim VB
02-13-2011, 10:50 PM
I was fortunate enough to have a 1-on-1 interview with Muhammad Ali in the early '80s. The first thing out of his mouth was this: "What did Lincoln say after a three-day drunk? Give up? I freed whooooo?"


Wow! Not funny at all. Not one single bit.

jerrys
02-15-2011, 08:58 PM
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and the waitress was called over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive. She looked around the room, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

4815162342
02-16-2011, 03:44 PM
Hahaha that's awesome!